I have my job interview (which if I may add I know I will fucking nail!).
It’s not till the afternoon, so after I think I’m just going to go for a walk in Santa Monica.. I haven’t done that in a looooong time. And I need it.
Till then, because I need major distractions.. I will be watching Pitch Perfect… AGAIN.
I lay here on my bed, no shame, no embarrassment anymore. I put my pride aside. I can finally say it now… “you won”. I can’t believe it actually kinda hurt to say that right now. I’ve never said it without completely meaning it like I do right now. I’m in complete shock from my reaction to this. I didn’t think I would cry about this anymore. I suppose some feelings hadn’t gone away.
You won. You got it all. I guess to be honest, I never really had it I just thought I did. Man that hurts more to say. But then I say to myself, what if I had won? I would be her 10 years from now. Believe me, that is not a happy life. I deserve better and I will never ever settle for anything less.
I will remain with my head held high. NO regrets.
Lord knows not only have I changed as a person but the way I present myself in this past year. I am the COMPLETE opposite & I have almost nothing I had anymore. I’ve lost friends but I’m not even tripping off of that anymore because at the end of every year it’s always the same ones that have stayed. Although I even got a new job, needless to say I’ll be taking a step back to my old one. I learned that trying to fast forward your life on your own is not good. To most a young man shattered my heart but I’d like to think that he helped me understand many things & opened my eyes to this big beautiful world & I’m glad to call him one of my mains. I was told a very long time ago that people in your life are here for a reason, season or lifetime & this year I finally understood what that meant. I am even forever inked now. At the beginning of 2012 God knows what I was set out to do & although this year was not what I thought it was going to be I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Lessons learned. 2013 let’s to it.
No one can ever understand what this guy means to me. This up here ^ is one of the many reasons why. He understands me like no other. He’s been there through my ups & downs, literally been my shoulder to lean on. I get mad him, yell at him but at the end of the day when my friends piss me off, when stupid guys come around, family problems, most importantly when my brother was in the hospital I had this guy. ❤